Tis the season for songs that as time goes by we begin to raise our eyebrows at. A couple of years ago it was "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Many of us agreed that that dude had sketchy plans and that lady needed to get the hell out ASAP. A couple of others have pinged on my radar as well, whether out of ooginess (I'm looking at you, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus") or she's a Ho-Ho-Ho ("Santa Baby", go take a cold shower).
The one that really has me thinking about the spirit of the holidays is the delightful tune brought to us by Robert L. May and the good people of the department store, Montgomery Ward. Yeah, it's catchy and we can't help but add in all of our own little lyrics, but it really kind of gets to me. Rudolph was different because of something he couldn't help, the reindeer gave him shit for it (laughing and calling him names) and ostracized him from their games. Yeah, reindeer are bitches. And I also can't help but wonder, where is Santa during all of this? Nowhere to be seen until it's a foggy Christmas Eve and he's in a pickle. We know the rest, Rudolph helps out and all those asshole reindeer call him a hero. I can't.
I want Rudolph to give Santa whatever the reindeer equivalent of the middle finger is. "Man," Rudolph says after the shock of Santa's insensitive request simmers down a bit, "get the hell out and good luck with that fog." He's been dumped on all his life and now when he's needed, he's wanted? No. No. No. You haven't wanted him, now you don't get him. Boundaries.
"But, come on, Kirk," I hear some people say, "Rudolph can be the bigger man . . . person . . . reindeer."
Why?
"For the greater good."
Why?
"Because forgiveness."
Ugh. Gross. Maybe. Whatever. Maybe Rudolph chooses to do it for the sake of the kids. I think that's where I would be. "Yeah," Rudolph sighs, putting down his mulled wine, "I'm going to help, but not you. I'm helping the kids. Screw you and the other reindeer. This isn't for you. It's for them." Rudolph walks into the loading zone to get harnessed up. The other reindeer who have either given him shit or witnessed it without stopping it watch. Comet arrogantly refuses to look at him, but sheepishly, Donner whispers to Rudolph, "Hey, thanks." Rudolph shakes his head, "No, you don't get to do that."
They make it through the fog, presents are delivered, kids wake up and are overjoyed and Santa is relieved that his reputation remains intact. The reindeer know who pulled them through, but Rudolph won't let them celebrate them. He takes the new stable with a view and a nice big TV that he negotiated with Santa for prior to agreeing to help out. Little by little, a friendship starts with Donner and Cupid who come over to watch Queer Eye and binge Sex and the City.
Too much? I don't know. Trauma like that can go in all kinds of directions. But you know what would have been really neat-o? What if the other reindeer were just chill with Rudolph from the beginning? Sure, what if they recognized Rudolph had something different with that nose and rolled with it? Cause Blitzen enjoys the nog and has a small bladder, Vixen is super flirty (avoid the mistletoe when she's around...or don't), and Comet and Dasher are mega competitive because the only way they felt love from their dad was after winning reindeer games. We all have something going on.
Happy holidays, you beautifully filthy animals!
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